Monday, September 30, 2013

Marsupial Fish, Marsupial Lions, Marsupial Birds Oh My!

After the lesser gods, the seed of Adam, went forth into the Earth and bred with the humans living there, came the time of giants. The seed of the lord became tainted by the impurities of the blood of man and he decided that he would have to start over. He  picked Noah, a man of Adam's loins who had not sullied the family name by making giant, demi-god babies, to carry the torch of a new breed of humanity that would people the Earth post-cleansing. Noah builds and ark to the Lord's exact specifications, and good thing too, his family and their menagerie was afloat for 150 days. They weathered the storm and then got their reward of re-peopling the earth with their small amount of genetic code. In the Greek version of this story Zeus gives the couple he saves grains to throw, magically making more men and women, which involves a whole lot less incest than the Hebrew way. Once Noah gets all high and dry he promptly burns some of the animals that he just went to all that trouble to save as a tribute to God, Oops, hope we didn't need whatever it was he slaughtered. It also turns out that god saved the wrong guy, Noah takes full advantage of being the top dog on Earth by being an alcoholic pervert whose own sons detest him. Instead of taking his grandson's suggestion that he not flash everyone reasonably, he curses Canaan's descendants to be the slaves of his uncles' descendants. The Lord God sure knows how to pick 'em. Once again these "sons of God" are written to be the founders ( and patron gods of) every semetic ethnic group from Sudan to Assyria.

If I had to decide what to bring on the ark, I would have brought only marsupials. This way, by the time that I got around to being born there would be some sort of giant, flying, pouched mammal that I could train to give me lifts places. It would be the life.

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